[CH.82] Hot Milk and Confessions
While gently heating the milk over low heat, occasionally stirring the contents of the pot with a spatula to prevent it from sticking.
You can also heat it in the microwave, but personally, I prefer warming up hot milk in a pot. I feel like it creates a soft and mellow flavor, although I'm well aware that people might say it's just in my imagination.
After Yoko-san dropped us off, she got in her car and drove away. At a location where she said, "I'll probably arrive in about 10 minutes," the words she quietly spoke were memorable.
"Three years of junior high school pass in the blink of an eye, and even if you postpone deciding your career path as much as possible, it's only two and a half years. The time to think carefully about what choices Haruka will make is even shorter. Think about what you want to do, what you want to become, and think about it seriously."
If you just listen to the words, it might sound really strict, but the fact that there are people who give you sincere advice like this is something to be grateful for. In my past life, I didn't have someone like that, but whether I would have accepted such advice at that time is a different story.
For adult Yoko-san and for me, who is reliving life, the flow of time is truly fast, passing by in the blink of an eye. But when I was a junior high school student in my past life, time seemed to move slowly, so I think Haruka still feels like there's plenty of time. However, I think it must be very difficult to consider your future and make choices for the near future while going through school life.
Pouring warm hot milk into a mug, I add a spoonful of sugar for Haruka. We've been drinking it together even during the winter, but it seems that Haruka doesn't like the peculiar smell of warmed milk. The first time we drank it together, she made a face as soon as she tasted the plain one, so I added sugar, and that made it delicious for her.
Holding the mugs in both hands, I head to the living room. Haruka is sitting on the two-seater sofa, hugging her knees. I gently approach and offer her the mug I brought. Haruka takes it with both hands, brings it to her lips, and her initially tense expression relaxes a bit.
I sit down next to Haruka, wrapping the mug in both hands. While Haruka drinks it immediately, I, being sensitive to hot temperatures, blow on it to cool it down.
"Fhoo!"
I thought it might have cooled down, so I brought it to my lips, but it was still too hot for me, and involuntarily, a sound escaped my lips. To cool down my tingling tongue even a bit, I stick out the tip of my tongue.
Haruka, who had been watching my careless action from the side, let out a small laugh. It was embarrassing, but if this could lift even a bit of Haruka's subdued mood, I could endure this level of embarrassment. With both of us sharing shy smiles and soft laughter, the heavy atmosphere in the living room lightened a bit.
"Can I tell you something? It might be a story that Sumire would find ridiculous."
"Yeah, I want to hear it."
Whether it was the atmosphere in the lightened living room that drew out our words or if it was because we had drunk hot milk and calmed down a bit, I nodded in response to Haruka's words and began to speak in a scattered manner.
After working on the job about three times and starting to get used to it, it seems that there were no particular problems that day, and the shoot went smoothly. Haruka, who had gone to the restroom a little away from Yoko-san afterwards, heard a staff member talking when she returned.
"The child actor today wasn't quite up to par. The director didn't want to push the time any further, so it seems they didn't reshoot."
"There's no point in us talking about that. We don't have casting rights, and we can't interfere with the direction."
Since Haruka was the only child actor participating in that particular shoot, she quickly understood that she was the one being referred to as "not quite up to par." Not having heard specifically what was lacking added to her confusion, leaving Haruka shocked and feeling as if she had been completely rejected.
It's important not to say things like, "Is it such a big deal?" because everyone reacts differently to words, and the impact can vary. It was probably particularly hard for Haruka during the early stages when work was starting to become enjoyable, making the shock even stronger.
While I, in my second round of life, might not be bothered by such criticism, if, during my past life as an elementary school student, I had received such sharp and malicious words about my efforts, I might have felt crushed.
After that incident, it seems Haruka became afraid of the staff's gaze. But with an oddly high pride, Haruka hesitated to consult or vent to Yoko-san or me, and she ended up shouldering the burden alone. Once it reached that point, it became a vicious cycle. The shock from the words she heard kept growing inside Haruka, and she found herself in a situation where, even if the agency offered her work, she couldn't help but decline.
There are probably other reasons as well, but perhaps Haruka became timid, fearing that even if she consulted with Yoko-san, she wouldn't have her support. She might have worried about losing her place in the dormitory, leaving her with nowhere to live. She was likely burdened with negative thoughts, and I can understand those feelings well, as they were something my mentally troubled past self dealt with on a daily basis.
"Ah, I should have talked to someone instead of struggling alone."
When I said that, tears welled up in Haruka's eyes. With sobs shaking her, Haruka, in a painfully distressed expression, opened her mouth.
"I-I couldn't say it because I didn't want Sumire to think it wasn't a big deal."
After saying that, Haruka forcefully bumped her forehead against my chest. Seeing Haruka crying loudly, it seemed like she had reached her limit in holding back her emotions. While gently stroking Haruka's head as she sobbed, I prayed that the wounds of a friend who had carried such burdens until entering junior high school could heal, even if just a little.
While continuing to stroke Haruka's head as she cried, I couldn't help but worry if today, with a regular bra instead of a sports bra, the stiff wires might be uncomfortable. I also pondered how to explain this to Yoko-san. Yoko-san might have been a bit harsh in her choice of words today, but I believe deep down she was just worried about Haruka, and her words became strong unintentionally.
Because she cares about us, I think if she found out about this, she would try to protect us overly. Also, I might blame myself for letting Haruka get hurt while I was around and feel down for a while.
Haruka is positive like me but has a slightly higher pride. For a child like her who doesn't want others to see her failures and laugh, I think it's important to praise and encourage her without boosting her ego too much. Yoko-san is straightforward, for better or worse, so I feel she might have trouble with moderation. In that case, maybe a shift in Haruka's mindset would work better. As I was considering this as a tentative plan, Haruka, with her face buried in my chest (not to the extent that her face is completely buried, though, given the size of my chest), was staring at my face with upturned eyes.
"Have you calmed down?"
When I asked briefly, Haruka nodded in her current position. Actually, it would be better for her to sit up. I'm shorter both in height and torso, so that position must be uncomfortable for her. Placing a hand lightly on her shoulder and giving a gentle push, Haruka slowly raised her body. Then, after nodding, she sniffed softly.
Now, what words should I use? Superficial words won't reach Haruka at this moment, and more importantly, if such shallow words could eliminate trauma, it would have been resolved long ago. If that's the case, I think it would be better to convey what I'm really thinking, and I hope that it will firmly reach Haruka's heart. With that hope, I spoke up softly.
"Since Haruka shared her story with me, can I share my thoughts too?"
"P-please, be gentle with me..."
For some reason, despite smiling, Haruka looked downcast, like a child just before being scolded. I couldn't help but chuckle at the incongruity, even though I wasn't angry or scolding.
"First, I think it's natural to feel hurt by the staff talking behind your back. It's tough when you've done your best, and then someone denies it. I would feel the same."
They should focus on doing their job properly. Criticizing an actor's performance that has nothing to do with their field is an outrageous overstepping, in my opinion. On set, only the director and the producers have the right to comment on an actor's performance.
"But surely, even in the future, there will be people who say such insensitive things. If you let yourself be hurt by every comment, Haruka, your heart won't be able to bear it. So, instead of getting hurt by listening to those comments, I think it's important to protect yourself by changing your mindset and letting them roll off."
"...Change my mindset? How do I do that?"
"If the director or producers told you that something in your performance is different from the director's plan and needs to be corrected, what would you do?"
Apologizing for answering a question with another question, I continued, and Haruka responded without hesitation.
"Well, I'd correct it right away. If the instructions are obviously strange, I'd voice my opinion, but if it's a reasonable direction, I need to fix it immediately."
"That's right. When those in charge of the overall direction of a project give you constructive criticism, you can reevaluate your performance without getting hurt, right? So, why didn't it feel the same when the staff talked behind your back?"
Persistently asking questions, I guided Haruka's thoughts. I believe the best way to bring back Haruka's heart, which had withdrawn into the depths of her mind after being hurt once, is to let her think for herself without needing to experience the pain again. As I was contemplating this, it seemed I found the right words, and Haruka voiced the answer to the question I posed.
"Hmm... when you put it that way, they seemed like they were tidying up something, and maybe they didn't seem knowledgeable about acting at all."
"Yeah, if people like that are talking behind your back, it's natural to wonder, 'Why do I have to hear such things from them?' Because they have neither the authority nor responsibility for evaluating our performances. When you think about it, there's really no reason they should be talking behind our backs, right?"
In an atmosphere that seemed to say "that's true," Haruka nodded. It's just my personal opinion, but I believe that only the director, producers, and maybe sponsors who contribute financially have the right to comment on actors' performances on set. While I appreciate praise from others and think it's worth considering if someone gives specific feedback, vague statements like 'it's not good' or 'you're not doing well' are not worth paying attention to.
I wouldn't openly declare such thoughts because it might come off as arrogant. However, as actors, it's our job to perform in a way that communicates even to those who haven't studied acting at all. We always need to be conscious of the audience. If we forget that and perform in a way that's more about self-satisfaction, saying, 'Aren't I an amazing actor?' it's just self-indulgence.
When I conveyed this to Haruka, she nodded in agreement, indicating that she would be careful. I wanted to express that there's no need to be hurt by words that seem more like a desire to hurt others than advice, without sounding preachy. I mentioned that I would apologize to Yoko-san when she picks us up tomorrow morning, and I also felt it would be good to inform Haruka that I discussed these things with her today. Of course, I would seek permission from Haruka beforehand to share this with Yoko-san.
I don't expect traumatic experiences that have been lingering for a long time to be resolved in just a short conversation. However, if even a little bit has helped Haruka feel more positive, that would make me happy. It feels like my way of speaking might be somewhat condescending, perhaps because I'm sharing from my past experiences. I have a sense that this could lead to a significant problem if not addressed. Maybe it would be good to practice speaking with others on an equal footing before it becomes a bigger issue. That's just a vague thought I had.
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