[CH.13] Seeing my mother's anger for the first time
I was gazing at Director Kanzaki's head, which had become somewhat lonely, and I could feel the growing desire to give it a try.
In my past life, I would have never had such an opportunity. The fact that this connection had been made through my acting, and that someone was seeking my potential, made it natural for me to want to take on the challenge.
However, at the same time, I had an intuition that this proposal wouldn't be accepted. After all, the decision-making power didn't lie with me but with my mother. And my mother had a significant flaw as a person.
"...Please lift your head. I understand what you're saying," my mother said in a quiet voice from beside me. He probably expected a favorable response. As the director smiled and raised his head, he froze in place with a faint clicking sound. I had no desire to sneak a peek, but I could imagine my mother's expression. She was probably openly displaying her anger.
"Taking a daughter away from her mother, in other words, tearing the family apart. That's what this conversation was about, right? How dare you suggest such a thing to me," my mother said, not letting up on her offensive despite Mr. Kanzaki's slightly taken aback demeanor. To sum up her various statements, it all came down to, "Don't ask my daughter and me to do something so unconventional."
I think my mother is fundamentally an affectionate person, but she operates on the principle that she is the standard, and if something deviates from her thoughts or norms, she immediately negates it. And she absolutely refuses to acknowledge it. Perhaps she grew up twisted after nearly dying as a child and being constantly pampered by those around her. While I do feel sorry for her, as one of the reasons for my mental illness, I can't tolerate it.
As a son who has constantly worried about his mother, who cannot consider other people's feelings, and who has been told since childhood that "I might die at any moment," I've always been considered overly concerned about my mother by those around me. However, from a young age, I was conditioned to believe that if I took my eyes off her, she might die. It had become a habit that couldn't be changed, so I had no choice but to accept and push myself into this situation, even though I knew it was toxic.
This is getting into abstract territory, and probably others wouldn't understand. Besides, if I start recounting episodes, it'll become lengthy and filled with grievances, so I'll stop here.
Anyway, my point is, my mother is the kind of person who doesn't try to understand things she can't comprehend, and she's so self-centered that she doesn't care how much she hurts others as long as she doesn't get hurt herself. She might even be restraining herself based on her own sense of normalcy, like, "Family is important, you should obey your husband and love your children," which is her version of common sense.
"Su-Sumire, is this really okay for you? Don't you love acting?" Mr. Kanzaki asked, appealing to me as if seeking help from my mother, who was refusing vehemently, and growing more passionate with his words. Despite the pressure from my mother not to say anything unnecessary, it would be rude and ungrateful not to convey my true feelings to someone who had invested so much in me.
"I do love acting, and I'd love the opportunity to learn more. But we're poor, and we don't have the money. Even if I were to move here, renting a house, going to school, and having meals every day would cost money. Of course, I can't afford it, so if someone were to pay for it, it would have to be my parents. But with them being so opposed, it's impossible."
"Sumire, it's not about the money, your mother isn't opposed to it because of that. The entertainment industry is an uncertain world, and she can't send her precious daughter into such an unpredictable environment."
"On the contrary, precisely because it's an uncertain world, I think it's best to challenge it now. Because you never know how things will turn out in the entertainment industry. If you wait until you're in high school to aim for it and fail, it'll be even harder. Right now, you're in compulsory education, so you don't have to worry about things like repeating a grade or dropping out. Even if it doesn't work out, it should be easier to reset your life."
This was based on my experience from my past life when I aimed to become a voice actor. When you choose a different path from the rest of society and try to get a job on a different cycle, you face strong opposition and might not even be allowed to apply for job openings. I went through a lot of struggles, especially because it was during the job-hunting ice age, and people like me who were considered second-time job seekers were despised by the companies recruiting.
"But it might not be that easy..."
My mother fell silent in response to my rebuttal. It wasn't like I wanted to defeat her in an argument, but as a result, she became quiet, and Mr. Kanzaki appeared relieved. Then, with determination in his eyes, Mr. Kanzaki addressed my mother.
"Mrs. Matsuda, when is your planned departure?"
"I'm taking the evening shinkansen tomorrow. Why do you ask?"
"If it's alright with you, could you spare some time before then? As I mentioned earlier, I'd like to introduce you to the mentor I have in mind. We'll explain in detail the environment we can provide when Sumire comes here, as well as the financial aspects."
Seeing that and considering taking it back with her to think it over wouldn't be too late, Mr. Kanzaki concluded his words. Tomorrow, whether I pass and proceed to the main competition or not, my plans can easily be adjusted. I told my mother, "You might as well hear all the conditions from them before making a decision," and she reluctantly agreed. Perhaps her emotions and the idealized image of a mother were battling within her, she's such a troublesome person.
So, we made an appointment to meet at the designated location in the morning, and I parted ways with Mr. Kanzaki. Back at the hotel with my mother, in a somewhat awkward atmosphere, she left the room, holding several telephone cards as a precaution. Probably to go vent to my father.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I hope it doesn't turn into a hassle. As I lay down on the bed, I realized that I was more tired than I thought, and I gently drifted into the world of sleep.
---
The next day, my mother and I arrived at Sakurajosui Station, which was the designated meeting place, and we waited for Mr. Kanzaki. It was a little past 9 in the morning, and Mr. Kanzaki had to be a judge at the audition finals today, so that's why we had an earlier meeting time.
Even though I used to live in Tokyo at one point, this was an entirely unfamiliar place to me. As a result, we had checked out of the hotel early and arrived about 30 minutes ahead of the scheduled meeting time. Mr. Kanzaki arrived about 10 minutes later and explained that he had come early to avoid making us wait, but in the end, he arrived later than we did. Well, I felt bad for that.
Since we had deposited our luggage in a station coin locker, I walked mostly empty-handed, following Mr. Kanzaki. After a while of walking, we entered an upscale residential area with spacious and expensive-looking houses lining the streets. Among them, we stopped in front of an exceptionally large gate of a traditional Japanese house.
"We're here. Please wait a moment," Mr. Kanzaki said and rang the intercom. Next to the gate, there was an old wooden nameplate with the name "Oshima" written in elegant calligraphy. I looked around nervously, and then the gate opened, revealing an elderly woman.
"Good morning, Toyo-san. I apologize for coming so early in the morning, though I believe you've been informed about our visit," Mr. Kanzaki said.
"Yes, I heard from Madam. Please come this way," Toyo-san replied, leading us inside. The property had an impressive garden, much larger than the house next door. There seemed to be a main house and a smaller separate building, with a rather large prefabricated shed nearby.
We followed Toyo-san through the garden and changed into indoor slippers upon entering the house. Toyo-san led us through the house, and we stopped in front of a heavy door. She knocked gently.
"Madam, I've brought Mr. Kanzaki and the guests."
"Please come in," a brief voice replied from inside, and the door opened. Mr. Kanzaki casually walked in, and I followed suit, but it wouldn't do not to say anything. I bowed slightly and said, "Excuse me for intruding," and then entered. My mother followed behind me and sat down on the suggested sofa. When I saw the woman seated across from me, I couldn't help but exclaim in surprise, and my mother had a similar expression on her face. It seemed like the atmosphere conveyed our reactions.
"Nice to meet you, Sumire Matsuda-san and your mother. I wonder if you're aware, but I'm Azusa Oshima."
She said that and smiled. Her beauty made me sigh in amazement. Considering she was in her 40s, her youthful appearance was quite astonishing. I wondered if she used special anti-aging skincare products.
"Yes, I'm aware. You're one of Japan's leading actresses, right?"
"Oh, you know some sophisticated words. I like clever kids," she replied.
When I answered, whether it was just flattery or not, I received a compliment. She was a person who would normally be impossible to meet in person, so my excitement grew slightly from the praise.
Ms. Oshima had risen to prominence as a child actor in post-war Japan and became a national actress. She had worked in movies, dramas, and occasionally sang, establishing herself as a pioneering figure in the entertainment industry. Even in my previous life, I had memories of her being active and youthful despite her age. She would probably live a long life.
As I pondered this, the word "mentor" that Mr. Kanzaki mentioned yesterday stuck in my mind. Could it be... No, it couldn't be.
"We've heard about your situation from Mr. Kanzaki, and your mother's concerns are valid. First, I'd like to see your acting skills, Sumire. Would you mind giving us a little performance? Is that alright with you?"
"Mr. Kanzaki has his own schedule, so I can't give you too much time to prepare," Ms. Oshima added. She said it that way, and I realized that my suspicion was correct. Was it really okay for an amateur like me to perform in front of such an incredible person? For a moment, I hesitated, but that feeling quickly disappeared. This was a sudden stroke of luck, and my excitement was soaring.
"I'll do it, please let me!"
As I said this enthusiastically, Ms. Oshima pointed to a space behind the sofa where I was sitting and said, "Alright, please do it there." She then invited my mother to sit next to her, and my mother, who seemed a bit reserved, moved to the seat next to Ms. Oshima.
However, the only material I had confidence in performing impromptu was the same as yesterday, the Uiro uri. I felt sorry for Mr. Kanzaki for seeing the same routine again, but I had no other choice.
After taking a couple of deep breaths, I began the routine with the same opening lines as yesterday. Now, I no longer felt the pressure from Ms. Oshima or the gaze of my mother. But it wasn't a self-indulgent performance; I was acting for the audience. I put my emotions into my lines, wanting to convey my message clearly.
By the time I finished all the lines, I was sweating profusely, even more than yesterday. But I felt that the overall performance was better than the day before. I bowed my head and said, "Thank you," to Ms. Oshima and my mother before facing forward and waiting for Ms. Oshima's evaluation.
"I see... Toyo-san, please call Yumi. I told her yesterday that we might need her assistance, so she should understand when I mention it," Ms. Oshima said, nodding slightly and instructing Toyo-san, who had been waiting in the background, to leave the room.
"Mr. Kanzaki can leave now. We'll have our car drop you off at the gate. There are some things I'd like to discuss with Sumire's mother, so Sumire, would you mind touring our facilities in the meantime? Yumi here will guide you. We have some students here who are studying acting," she added.
Ms. Oshima efficiently gave instructions and left, but wait... what about the evaluation of my performance? I didn't have the audacity to ask that myself, so I just went along with it. I was then led by a junior high school-aged girl who had entered the room, and I found myself forcefully embarking on a tour of the Oshima residence, while Mr. Kanzaki was to wait at the gate to be driven back.
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