[CH.6] Jealousy
"Suu-chan, let's talk over here."
"Teach me math!"
"...Suu-chan, I need to go pee."
How did it come to this? For now, the child who seemed uncomfortable should hurry to the restroom. Perhaps it's a regression to babyhood, but if this continues, cleaning the classroom floor will become quite a task. Gently detaching the other clinging children, I take her to the restroom first.
I vaguely understand the reason behind how this situation came to be. I'm not sure if it's because I became a girl in this world, but it seems like I've become more inclined to take care of other children.
If I notice a child who needs to go to the restroom like this one, I take them there. If a child gets hurt and falls during gym class, I accompany them to the infirmary. If there's a child in math class who doesn't understand addition and subtraction, I study with them while teaching. Well, I suppose I'm being liked by everyone. I reflect on my actions belatedly, but there's no helping it since I find myself taking care of others on my own. Could this be maternal instinct? I wouldn't know because I never even felt paternal in my past life. It's frightening how it's affecting my stubborn self-consciousness at the age of forty-something.
Separately, a fleeting thought crosses my mind: "If I was surrounded by girls like this in my past life..." but in my past life, I was just like everyone else, diligently striving as a first-grader in elementary school. I never had the luxury to pay attention to other classmates, so there's no way this situation would have arisen.
By the way, it's not just girls who occasionally approach me, boys do too. Right now, since we're all first graders, there's no ulterior motive, and I can take care of them without any issues. However, when it's clear that a boy is taller or physically stronger than me, I get a slight shiver, almost instinctual fear, running through my body. My father is on the less physically affectionate side, so I'm saved from that, but if an adult man suddenly tried to pick me up or something, I might reflexively slap them, not out of fear but mainly due to a strong aversion.
I understand and accept that I am currently a woman, but that doesn't mean I can change my past as a man or my self-perception. Just because I'm of the opposite sex doesn't mean I can easily see men as romantic interests. I've been attracted to people's personalities before, including men, and have felt a fluttering sensation, so if I were to meet someone like that in this life, there's a chance I could fall in love with them, even if they're a man. However, in my current situation, it's completely unimaginable. The chance is zero.
Rather, right now, I find myself getting excited around women more often. When a young mom hugs me tightly, I feel my face flush at the softness of her touch. Of course, I don't feel this way towards my classmates, but I can't help but think that if I were in the same situation ten years from now, I might feel that excitement. No, I probably won't be in that situation.
As I think about all this, I finish using the bathroom together with the girl and return to the classroom. There, I see Nao and Fumika puffing up their cheeks and displaying an "We're not happy" attitude.
"W-What's wrong, you two?"
For a brief moment, I feel the urge to lightly poke those soft-looking cheeks, but I restrain myself, as it might make them even more unhappy.
"But Suu-chan, lately you've been talking to other kids all the time."
"...Even though we're your best friends."
Ah, this is troublesome. I've been thinking this since my previous life, but why do girls always want to establish a hierarchy or rank among their friends? Of course, in my previous life, I had close friends and acquaintances, but girls seem strangely determined to categorize things strictly.
"Um, that's not true, you know?"
"You don't play with us even after school."
"I saw you talking to a fourth-grader in the library."
The conversation is starting to feel like an accusation of infidelity, but how should I respond in situations like this? I've had very little experience interacting with women in my life, and as a fortysomething man who maintained his chastity until now, it's a challenging issue.
However, I have nothing to hide, so I'll just respond normally.
"Well, if you both had asked me to play, I would have been happy to."
"But we had homework and stuff."
Fumika answered with a pout while Nao nodded beside her. It seems they wanted to play but didn't have any free time for it. Of course, if there was even a little time to play, they both probably would have invited me themselves.
Actions driven by frustration from wanting to play but not being able to. These kids understand that, deep down. It's not like having more friends diminishes the value of these two in my eyes. They're just lonely and seeking some comfort, which probably explains their attitudes.
"Well then, how about we all plan to play on a day when we're free... okay?"
As I say this, I gently hold both of their hands. In situations like this, I think human warmth might have more persuasive power than words. Feeling the softness of their hands with my fingers, I can tell that they are a bit bewildered but they grip back. I sigh with relief as I see them smile, a little embarrassed.
Perhaps it might seem like I'm spoiling them or that they're developing a dependency on me. If such issues arise, I'll have to address them for the sake of their future. But for now, I just want to see them laughing happily like this. I strongly wish for that.
I like how realistic she is
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